Introduction

My Dear Friends,

You are from the future and I am from the past. Hello! It’s crazy to think that I’ve figured out a way to communicate with people in the future! That’s like a really big deal. And I didn’t even have to use science to accomplish it.

You may also notice that I’ve begun this in the format of a letter… and that it’s over 200 pages single-spaced. Sorry. I got a little carried away. But think of it this way, this is the single longest letter of your life. So that’s cool. Remember, though, that I’m dead and so you’re, technically, communicating with the dead. I feel like I can safely make this joke now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if a Puritan popped out the bushes to shout “Witch, you’re going to Hell!” and then fade in to the black. You guys still got Puritans, right? They suck.

Anyways, it must feel transcendent and spiritual, this connection, which you are developing with me, “The Man, the Myth, the Legend”. You probably are thinking that I am artistic and brilliant. At least I hope you are. When I began this endeavor, I had told some friends that I was going to “communicate with people in the future” and they rolled their eyes sighing, “Oh Ben…” I’m sure they were just associating this specific claim with my more eccentric projects like making the national animal a noble and crafty turkey and trying to add 9 letters to the English alphabet because well why the fuck not? We use a silent “h” for no apparent reason so is what I tried to do so ridiculous? Look, I admit that I may have gone a little, what we would call “golompus” in my old age. But that didn’t mean I was wrong to attempt to communicate with people in the future.

And, lo and behold! Here we are! My critics were wrong, weren’t they?

Seriously, weren’t they? I actually don’t know, this is a one-way conversation. They were wrong, right???

It’s 1771 right now as I begin to write this, and I’m still living my life so I have no idea how it turns out... and now that I’m thinking about it, I’m beginning to worry about whether or not I will be remembered well. Actually, its probably going to bother me for a bit now. Shit. This exercise backfired. What’s even nuttier is the fact that you, the reader/listener know exactly what my fate is. That’s really messing me up. But anyway… Hello.

It is currently 1771 and I am 65 years old. I have travelled all over England to uncover my family’s history and I have learned so many excellent anecdotes about my various ancestors! I have enjoyed it immensely. And it got me thinking…

In my infinite wisdom, I have determined that you might enjoy the same type of stories from my life the way that I had enjoyed theirs. I am, after all, the Father of the American image and I have done a relatively decent job of hiding my more scandalous moments. I have weeks of leisure time, right now, in 1771, thanks to my country vacation from Parliament. I’m feeling good that they will settle on a compromise with our colonies soon, by the way. In the meantime, I really don’t have much to do. Therefore, I will sit down and write out my life for you.

There are many advantages to writing out one’s memoirs, but especially mine. I mentioned how I was the Father of the American image, did I not? I overcame both poverty and obscurity, which I was born into, and succeeded in creating a life of fortune. I was not only famous in the colonies or the British Empire. I was world famous. Since I was the first American that many Europeans met, they considered my story of success the standard example of life for Americans. Hence why I get called the Father of the American image. Actually, I do nott know how many people actually call me that, but my logic is sound and I am sticking to it. It will become a thing, do not worry.

In truth, however, my life was not standard. I was only able to achieve my enviable status because I had used different various tactics and lessons that I learned along the way. I figured that you, my friends and admirers, might be able to find some of these same strategies valuable to imitate. History is the greatest lesson for humanity, so learn from mine. You may find that these lessons help you overcome obstacles in your own lives. Or they will not and, in that case, you are fools. I can only tell you my experiences, but maybe you need to make your own mistakes. After all, experience keeps a dear school, yet fools will learn in no other.

Because of the substantial pleasures I have experienced in my life, people often ask me if, given the opportunity, I would repeat my entire life over. Duh. I only would hope that I get to revise and edit the second editions of my life like an author. You know, correcting the flaws, typos, and other errors of the first edition. Like, maybe I actually the first girl I had a crush on, or, at least, try to not fart in public around her as often. But even if this were not the case, and the errors remained, I would still do it all over again. In a heartbeat.

Of course, it is impossible for me to physically relive my entire life again – right? So I will have to settle for the next best thing: reliving my life through my memories. So that is my goal! I will write down all of my recollections to ensure that they exist long after I have withered away into dust. Through this, I will be immortalized.

That is not a vain thing to want, right? Of course not! I mean, it is only natural. Old men love to talk about their past stories of physical greatness so that they can forget how hard it is to get out of a chair. Why should I be any different? I once wrote that an old young man will be a young old man. I used to think it was to emphasize the importance of being wise in your youth. Now I know that an old man must reminisce about his early days to feel young. So this type of exercise appeals to me because I sure as hell am not trying to run a mile!

Okay, fine, I admit it! This whole project is totally vain! I am one hundred percent trying to inflate my ego by celebrating my accomplishments. Look, if I pretended that this was some project of humility, you would all call “bull shit”, anyway. So yes, I will own up to my vanity because, if not, I would look like a jackass.

I know that vanity might be unseemly to some, but I have, in my life, found that vanity can be beneficial. Not always, of course, but sometimes. Think about it, he that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. It provides motivation. It gives confidence. You could even say that vanity should be regarded as a “Comfort of Life”. It is a luxury to enjoy. So… thank you, God, for my vanity.

Frankly, if you cannot handle my vanity, you can choose to close this book, which will subsequently shut me up. You have that option. I would prefer that over your persistent groans and critiques during my story. Bad commentators spoil the best of books, after all.

Oh, and speaking of God. I should take the moment to acknowledge that I owe my happiness to her kind Providence. Her guidance led me to the various lessons that gave me success. I do hope that my life continues on this happy path, though, I would not presume to expect it. My fate is in God’s hands and I put all my trust in her. I have always believed that to serve God is to do good for mankind. So, I am technically killing two birds with one stone by creating these memoirs: I’m serving humanity by bestowing my life lessons on you, and I am stroking my ego by talking about myself! Boom!

Jesus Christ, I am not.

I digress… on to my family history!