America’s Team
By Young Ben Franklin
Of all the cultural pillars that have been erected in American society since my death, “professional sports” is my favorite.
I love sports. LOVE them!
There are few products that can generate such a universal satisfaction amongst the consuming masses as professional athletics does. It has excitement! Strategy! Drama! Fights! It has everything that one could want in entertainment.
Aside from the sheer enjoyment factor, professional sports also provide an indispensable role in maintaining the unity within our country. These various sports leagues provide a outlet for all of the lingering intra-regional tensions that would otherwise threaten to unravel our common threads. Think about it:
How much do you hate the closest city to you? (Shut up, New York.)
How much do you get annoyed by those from different geographic regions? (#hillbillies)
How much does everyone detest New Jersey? (Show of hands?)
Fortunately, we can settle our hostilities on the field/court/ice as opposed to allowing the intense, regional tribalism manifest into armed conflict (see: “Civil War”). Our “city-states” pick theirs champions to represent our honor in battle like the gladiators of Rome. We do this for pride, honor, and also to watch them kick the crap out of each other.
We, the People, love a spectacle.
Loyalty and regional patriotism are fundamental to this system. Everyone should have a loyalty to their local team. In return, it is only natural that these teams adopt the mentality and character of its region. (For Example: The Steelers have a blue-collar “grind-em-out” style of physical play that screams “factory worker!”; and the New York Yankees and LA Lakers have good-looking, metrosexual fashion icons.)
However, a few sporting franchises and clubs have managed to maintain years of sustained success and have, therefore, ascended to a higher echelon of universal recognition. Everyone knows the Yankees. The Lakers. Manchester United. They have had the perfect combination of both star-player quality and winning percentage to make them “glamorous” franchises. Not only do they represent their cities/regions, but they also represent their respective sports.
This brings me to the purpose of this essay.
It is only logical that, amongst the handful of these world-famous sports franchises, one will reign supreme over others to essentially represent America. And because it represents the country, it will adopt the attitude and characteristics of the country. They need to be a team we all can be proud of.
So how in Hell are the Dallas Cowboys the team to earn the title “America’s Team”?
Sure, excellent marketing and historical success on the field have made them the most recognizable franchise in the sport, with the infamous “Silver Star” serving as their beacon. Yes, they played for Dallas, but they represented the entire state of Texas. Sure, that makes sense. One could also argue that they became the top team that attracted disgruntled and casual fans from around the country. (I have no factual statistics to back this statement up… it’s just a hunch)
But does that earn them the label, “America’s Team”? Hell no! You see, America, your loyalties already lie somewhere else.
The real “America’s Team” is the Philadelphia 76ers.
I’m sure you were not expecting that, but follow me here….
The Logic
Use Common Sense. If I am going to identify one team to truly be “America’s Team”, I am going to follow a logical formula:
1. America’s hometown is Philadelphia
2. Basketball is the fastest growing sport in popularity in the world
3. Philadelphia’s basketball team is the Philadelphia 76ers
4. The “76ers” refer to the country’s Founding Fathers
5. The Founding Fathers established the values and principles of “America”
Therefore…
6. “America’s Team” is the Philadelphia 76ers
Let’s unpack this…
America’s Hometown
Philadelphia is “America’s Hometown”. The Declaration of Independence said we were not British, but American. It was a statement of our existence. It was written and signed in Philadelphia. The U.S. Constitution created the blueprint for our democratic republic. It was our proof that humans could create an Enlightened society. It was written and signed in Philadelphia.
Philadelphia is the “Birthplace of America”. “The Cradle of Liberty”. You get the point.
Now, we’re going to pretend that America - as an entity - thinks like a person (after all, the Supreme Court has said that corporations are people…)
When I consider the mantle “America’s Team”, I define it as “the team America supports”. Logic tells me that there are two ways to determine your loyalties:
Your hometown or family tradition ingrains a loyalty at an early age
The successful or attractive team you see on television while you are growing up captures your attention and subsequent loyalty.
Considering America was created before any of these sports were created, it did not watch any sports growing up. Option 2, therefore, is off the table. Besides, it is petty, superficial, shallow, and treacherous to abandon your own hometown team because another team is more successful. America is classy.
So, America supports its hometown and, therefore, America would support Philadelphia in all of its sports because, God Dammit, America is loyal!
Why Not Dallas or Boston?
The two biggest rivals to Philadelphia’s claim for the “America’s Team” title are Dallas and Boston. Dallas holds the current title while Boston is the closest city to match Philadelphia’s historical significance. Let’s dismantle these arguments one-by-one, beginning with Dallas.
There are not nearly enough people who realize that Philadelphia essentially made Dallas. Dallas’s identity – both its name and culture – was made by Philadelphia.
Dallas owes its name to George Mifflin Dallas. He was the Vice-President under James Polk between 1845-1849. He was born in Philadelphia and was Philly’s Mayor in 1829. Now, to be fair, some argue Dallas was named after other members of the Dallas family. It does not matter. All of them were born in Philadelphia.
As for Dallas’s character, and the character of the Cowboy, one needs to go no further than the iconic cowboy hat, also known as a Stetson. The Stetson hat became the go-to head wear for pioneers. The Stetson hat was made and mass-produced in a factory in, you guessed it, Philadelphia.
So, considering Philadelphia is responsible for Dallas’s identity, it supersedes Dallas’s claim to the title of “America’s Team”.
And what about Boston?
Sure, there are plenty of valid points that can support the New England Patriots as “America’s Team”. I get it: it has been the most successful team in the 2000s (with a load of “bandwagon” followers…)
Rebels fighting the British. Boston Tea Party. Sons of Liberty. Hometown of John Adams and me, Ben Franklin. Rich history, indeed!
But, despite these significant connections to the country’s founding, Philly still prevails. Here’s why:
Sure, Boston is credited for its pivotal role as the early antagonist with the British. The Boston Massacre in 1770 and the Boston Tea Party in 1773 pushed us closer to the edge. They are important for starting the American rebellion. But the American Revolution starts and finishes in Philadelphia.
If America wants an image as a mob of gun-toting, blue collar rabble, then maybe we could consider them… though I guess that image does sound very ’merican
Not very Enlightened, though. Not very Revolutionary. (Not like, say, crafting foundational documents that reshape American sociopolitical theory…)
Boston’s stock of American Demi-Gods is also not as high in value as one might think…
Neither Sam Adams nor John Hancock are significant after they signed the Declaration of Independence. They were not helpful in creating the new Republic after the war. Hell, they didn’t really help after starting the war! They were great for tearing down the establishment, and terrible for building up a new one. These men just gradually faded away in to local political oblivion. So, the Sons of Liberty don’t help Boston’s case.
What else can they claim? Ben Franklin? Nope.
Yes, I was born in Boston. And sure, my parents are buried in Boston. I went to school and learned my printing trade in Boston. Boston Enlightened me. But I could not stand the Puritans. If I had stayed in New England, my dismissal of religious fanaticism would have caused the authorities to jail me or exile me. I left Boston and I never looked back.
I came to Philadelphia and I made that town. I conceived most of the Progressive and Enlightened institutions established in that city. Philly is my child. Ask any parent: if they had to choose between their own parent or their own child, they would always claim loyalty first, and foremost, to their child. The city, in return, made my success, my fame, my legacy. So my loyalties shifted to Philadelphia. I am connected to that Philadelphia more than I am to Boston.
So, of the Boston characters, you are left with… John Adams. Cool?
Forgive me if I don’t roll out the red carpet for that one….
It’s Philly all the way.
So…Which Philly Team is “America’s Team”?
So now that Philadelphia has been proven to be the city that should own the “America’s Team” moniker, now it is time to choose the team. Philly’s sport teams do not shy away from making connections to America’s birthplace. Three out of the five major sport teams have names relating to the United States. Look at the team names:
The Eagles – Representing Philadelphia in the country’s most popular sport, the Eagles’ naming stems from the logo of Franklin Roosevelt’s American Recovery Act. However, the name still strongly connects to the American symbol, the eagle.
The Union – Representing Philadelphia in the world’s most popular sport, the Union’s name stems from the creation of one country from multiple states… you know, America…
The 76ers – Representing Philadelphia in the fastest growing sport in the world, the 76ers get their name from the year 1776, the birth year of our country. That number will always connect Philadelphia with the Founding Fathers – the men who are credited with creating the values and philosophies that shaped our country’s identity. Oh, and also creating the country.
Many will assume that the Eagles should take the moniker of “America’s Team”. After all, football is the most popular sport in the country.
However, the NFL is going through a really big image problem right now. The league has not shown it can handle civic protests. Colin Kapaernik has been black-listed for protesting police brutality during the National Anthem. Also, you can apparently get serious brain injury from launching yourself at fellow giants. Less parents are letting their kids play football. Ratings are lower than before.
Similarly, America’s image is struggling both at home and abroad. People are openly questioning our policies and our prestige. This happens when you have your leader tweet like he has a brain injury.
With this current dual image crisis, it’s time for a more Progressive approach to future representation of America. It is time for a change.
With that, America, I’d like to re-introduce you to the 76ers.
Think about the marketing! Think about the international appeal!
Basketball is the fastest growing sport in the world. If we are trying to reassert our popularity, and redefine our image, basketball should be the go-to sport. Think about the popularity of the U.S. Men’s Basketball team at the Olympics in any city. Every other athlete wants to get pictures with them. America wins fans through Basketball.
Dennis Rodman is negotiating with North Korea!
LeBron James is impacting the trade war with China!
Michael Jordan saved us from aliens! (Well, the Looney Tunes, but still…)
Now consider the Sixers: a young and exciting team with rich – but not too rich – history. There is lots of room for growth in popularity. Because of the depth of international talent, the team is gaining fans all over the world! Also, for most of the team’s modern existence - with the exception of the Iverson era and now - it has been irrelevant. This team is primed and ready to take on new responsibilities that should come with the status of that premier title
Is it that much of a stretch to remake the “American Team” with the 76ers?
Conclusion
America was born in Philadelphia. America is loyal. America needs to remember its roots. If the logical argument provided, is not enough to change your opinion, then let me ask you a question.
Which is more American: a “cowboy” or a “76er”?
I’m kidding, this was a rhetorical question because this is NOT a competition.
I get the appeal of the stereotypical “American” persona of a Cowboy. Cowboys are noble(-ish), tough-guy rebels who do what they want. But what they want is to ride in, guns blazing, and kill sixty bad guys to save the damsel. Then, once their heroic deeds are completed, the cowboys ride off into the sunset. And they smoke Marlboros…
But name three real Cowboys…
Jesse James?
Wyatt Earp?
Doc Holliday?
While they are typical answers, they were not cowboys. They were outlaws and U.S. Marshals. It’s a technical argument, but that does not mean it’s any less valid.
Meanwhile, consider what a “76er” is? It is a member of the Continental Congress from 1776. You know, the Founders of America. The noble(-ish) rebels who do what they want. And what they want is to stop paying British taxes by fighting, guns blazing, the most powerful Empire that the world had ever seen. All to create a country based on the belief that “all men are created equal”. Then, once their heroic deeds are completed, they do not ride off into the sunset. They stay and create a new country, raise it, and set it on its path. You know, creating America.
Let’s try the same exercise. Name three real 76ers:
George Washington!
Thomas Jefferson!
John Adams!
Ben Franklin!
There is a school in every city named after each of them. And museums. And roads. And colleges. And cities. And a state….
The 76ers are far more “American” than the Cowboys.
So, in closing, as we bring in a new decade, with a country struggling to define itself, it is time to change its image. This solution is not a huge shift in policy or agenda. But it is a shift in mindset. It reminds Americans where we came from, Philadelphia. A city of diversity, of pride, of error, but also of grit. It’s a reminder that America, despite all of its glamour, is still a nation of peoples who are struggling to achieve greatness, but are tough and resilient.
It’s also a reminder that Dallas sucks.